Paris Tomorrow

I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow. Bittersweet arrival. I called my French bank today. I blocked the Parisian landlord from withdrawing funds. Pretty standard. I hope I get my security deposit back. The entire thing. I need it.

Sam and I talked finances this morning. He's feeling pinched. Money truly does make the world go 'round. I fear living with him for too long. Everyone suggests to get out as quickly as possible. I agree. It's probably best that way. Going from zero to sixty in seconds. I wonder how it will be to see him. Will he bring flowers? He threatened to bring flowers.

He asked if I'd be his girlfriend. I agreed. I'm a bit afraid to tell anyone. Especially Paris people. Silly me. I'm a bit afraid he doesn't mean it. What does a title change? Nothing much. Am I happy? Yeah. I was getting used to the single and ready to mingle idea though.

Just Another Natalie

I felt bad. I wanted to take it back. Who am I to demand things from you when your world is falling apart? Was I being selfish?

The short answer is yes, I'm being selfish. I'm working in my own self interest. I want to be valued. I think you should value me. I'm willing to pour myself into you if you would only commit to valuing me. It shouldn't be a something to ponder. Izzy=fabulous=commit. If not, I can only assume I'm just another Natalie.

So how to be friends? Well, at the moment, that doesn't take much imagination. Be there for him during this difficult time. Listen. Not divulge the intimate details of my life. ...Mander suggested I should start dating. Perhaps I will. I've never been on a date; sounds like fun though.

Ambiguous Couple

Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand. I'm not particularly good at standing up for myself. Great at telling others they need to be firm but am horrible in the self-execution department.

I truly care about Sam. He's a unique individual with a most intelligent, caring soul but sometimes he's merely talk. For all his talk of apologies, desires and dreams, I have no proof that he actually means any of it. The wise book says that you "will know them by their actions and their fruit." Our relationship has been as potential roommates, casual friends, casual fling getters, involved lovers, and now the ambiguous couple. I'm tired of playing games. I'm moving to OZ in less than two months. He says he's excited. He says he's trying to find a place for us to live should I decide to live with him. He says he cares. I have never demanded anything from him. This has been my mistake and my downfall. A woman who demands little gets little in return. So I demanded. I want a title. I want to be his girlfriend. After a year, he should know if he wants to be with me. I'm tired of being in the background. I'm tired of being second rate. I'm tired of being the constant bitch to whom he can come for comfort and fun before going off on another conquest. I am worth more than that. Not to sound tacky, but I am valuable and my price should be high.

I told him that either I arrive in OZ as his girlfriend or as a friend. There will be no in between. I will act according to his decision. He said he'll "think about it." All right lover. It sounds like you've made your choice. We've had a rollercoaster ride of a journey together. It has been fun and horrible and memorable. I will always love you but I'm moving on. I will arrive in OZ as your friend, nothing more.

I AM

I am pathetic and tired. The only person I want to talk to is a million miles away relaxing on a sunny beach. Balls!

Toodles Mon Coeur

Goodbye Paris! Hello Australia!

Paris, I love you. The decision to move is nothing personal. In fact it's thanks to your enticements that I've made this choice. You gave me him. Randomly.

I doubt he and I would have met if we both hadn't been poor and (nearly) homeless. We responded to the same ad for an anglophone flatmate. I thought he was silly. He giggled a lot. Three months later we were casually dating. Eleven months later I've decided to hop on a plane for the other side of the world to be with him AND have a new adventure.

Paris it's because of you. Thanks and à très bientôt!

Moving Forward

There was an explosion of hurt, timidity, pain, passion and fear.

I love you!

He said it. He said three words I never expected him say. He said 'I love you."

I believe him. I cannot doubt him anymore. I've jumped off my cliff of indecision. I'm moving to Australia.

We Need to Talk

We need to talk baby. I'm not sure how committed you are to this whole me-moving-around-the-world-to-be-with-you thing. Sure you offered to pay for my ticket. You've said that you would LOVE LOVE LOVE for me to come. But have you honestly thought about this? Your freedom would be gone. You would go from social butterfly bachelor to committed boyfriend(?). Go from sleeping around to just sleeping with me. I worry that you like the thought of us rather than the practice. I worry that I will make all the sacrifices (I would still have an awesome time in Oz, but being away from friends, when you're dumped and broken-hearted, would suck). I worry that I will become Natalie or Anais. Natalie was deceived. Anais held on to shadows.

Sometimes I worry that you're addicted to sex. You once told me that the longest you could make it without sex was 9 days. You've also made it clear that you've never cheated on a girlfriend (if Natalie doesn't count). Hmm. Honestly, I think you're not trying. If I asked that you stopped sleeping with others before I arrived, would you? I'm not sure that you're ready to give sex up. Is that asking too much? You once said that my laid-back attitude made it easy for you to see others. My laid-backness hasn't changed but I want something tangible from you. How much is too much to ask?

Are you ready for me? How bad do you want me? Do I hold your attention above all the other fish in the sea? Are you done fishing? I want you all to myself. I won't accept another open relationship. I want you.

Coupledom?

If you were on the brink of moving across the world to be with your lover, what kind of commitment would you demand?

To My Lover Who is Sleeping with Others

Normality is not my strong suit. My parents are born-again conversative hippies who grow and hunt their food. I didn't grow up with TV. Thus pop culture references pre-2002 are usually over my head. Sorry but I do not know the words to that Madonna song you're screaming. No, I have no desire to learn them.

What else? I'm missing a joint in my left foot. I was semi-excommunicated from my childhood church. I like bugs. I always thought my romantic life would be like a great novel. In fact, it is. While I had anticipated Jane Austen, it seems that life has other notions. You be the judge.

What does this have to do with my lover? His name is Sam. He is sleeping with other women. He hasn't said so but I expect it. Not because he should, but because he can. We are merely lovers. We live worlds apart. Normal people would move on. At least I hope, for their sake, that they would turn their backs, thank the heavens for the happy times then walk away.

To my lover: I love you. I’m willing to be crazy. I'm willing to bare it all. The misery I felt when I left you in Paris will probably be pebbles in comparison to our twisted future. But at least I can say I tried. I loved.